#Friendster

I’ve tried to start a blog many times and failed. Most times it ended with me being cringed out by my own words, and abandoning the site and hastily erasing its existence. There’s also the factor of friction.

But I’ve known I need a blog no matter what, so I keep trying. And I’m really glad that I’ve finally managed to build up some momentum with this one.

Why the non-negotiable need then? As much as I sometimes wonder if my words would come off as pretentious, snobbish, or arrogant (she thinks her taste or opinion matters so much or what?), the pull to create a site like this is more of a… deeply existential need to preserve part of myself so I don’t lose it.

I suppose my not-exactly-stellar communication skills play a part. That is to say, I don’t find myself in social contexts in which I could freely share what means most to me often enough, and I haven’t been sufficiently adept at creating these kinds of environment or atmosphere myself. Heck, even in the rare ocassions where I did end up in such settings, I feel like I’m so out of practice or disconnected from these thoughts and feelings that have never left my mouth that, I ended up staying silent anyway.

So a large part of my life feels like this: I have a thought, and I practically never get the chance to actually discuss it, and time passes, and now my mind questions whether I truly have had that thought to begin with. And if I haven’t verbalized a thought before, was it actually mine? I live with a low-humming anxiety or worry that I’d forgotten something, that I’m losing things that my character is supposed to build atop of, and who I am as a person is slipping out of my palm between my fingers like sand every passing day and I’m having trouble holding onto anything, and it’s frustrating.

So I’ve always known a blog would be this much needed anchor for me: an evidence trail of thoughts that I could look back at and use to reconnect with myself whenever doubts begin to arise as to whether my experience is not merely a figment of my imagination. No, a private journal would not be enough because as much as it’s the evidence for my own benefit, it’s also my attempt at producing a proof to this world that says: yes, this is me, I am who I claim to be, I did not make this up.

Knowing I have this space here now is grounding, unsurprisingly so, like it’s simply a fact that my psyche has always known to be true, because it is.

Another thing I like about a blog is that it alleviates the pressure on the listener/reader.

I imagine it can be quite stressful being on the receiving end of some of these sharing if they were to come up in conversation, being put on the spot to supply an appropriate thoughtful response (or risk hurting the friendship).

A blog gives people space to take in things at their own pace, to their own preferences. If there’s no resonance, that’s cool; if they relate but have nothing to say in return, that’s well and good too (I think silent recognition is just as loud a connection anyway); and if someone is compelled to reach out, that’s also great.

Point is, I do think there’s a type of connection and understanding that can only take roots with ample space, when people are free to engage with their full presence because nothing is expected of them.

(I’d go as far as to argue that that’s the type of connection one gets from engaging with arts, but hey, let’s not digress)

So I like that a blog feels like a comfortable invitation one does not have to think twice to decline.